March 13, 2012
I've been pretty quiet around here lately. Remember how I committed to choosing lovethis year?
Remember that big post I wrote on change?
Change + choosing love = difficult.
Therefore, I've been quiet around here lately.
As I said in that post, the decisions that we have ahead of us are not easy, and it turns out I was right.
In the last few weeks I have jumped from one emotional breakdown to another; and in between, my days seem to consist of busyness and stress, with sprinkles of marital arguments to top off this depressing sundae.
In the few moments of truth and clarity that I have enjoyed in these last weeksI've been able to recognize that all of these compounding sins and stresses all stem from one source:
What the heck are we doing with our lives?
Is my husband strong enough to lead us?
What if we don't have enough money saved up?
What if we leave?
What if we don't leave?
What will happen to my lovable cat?
What about our family and friends, what will they think?
ARE WE DOING THE RIGHT THING?
I'm afraid of leaving.
I'm afraid of staying.
I'm afraid of losing my cat.
I'm afraid of losing touch with my friends.
I'm afraid of falling right back into our old materialistic lifestyle.
I'm afraid of moving across the world. Again.
I'm afraid that we won't be able to afford having children.
I'm afraid that we won't be able to have children.
I'm afraid of taking risks.
I'm afraid because I don't know what's coming.
I'm afraid of not being in control.
I'm afraid of change.
It's in these overwhelming seasons of life that I must choose to cling to the promises of God.
I don't feel like He's working all things out for my good.
I don't feel loved and justified.
I don't feel His perfect peace.
But it's there.
He will keep me in PERFECT PEACE, and oh boy could I really use some.
But, I have to do my part too.
His peace comes in partnership with my trust.
Not that I could ever do anything to gain anything from God,
He gives freely and I am so undeserving of his blessings!
But, nevertheless, He asks me to trust Him.
How can I choose to trust Him, every moment, every day,
even when I don't feel like it?
Even when I don't feel Him near?
Even when the benefits of His peace don't come right away?
O Lord, help me trust You!
Give me Your perfect peace.
And may I be like Jesus.